Sastow Law & Mediation

Experienced Online Mediation Services

I’ve been where you are.

I can help you resolve your dispute in a dignified and sensible way, helping you save money, protecting your loved ones and your finances and avoiding unnecessary extreme emotional distress of litigation.

I Understand.

If you’re going through a divorce or a time of conflict in your family, I just want to reassure you that I’ve been where you are. Here’s my story:

After getting an undergraduate degree in psychology, I worked in real estate leasing and management. Like many people my age, I got married and had children. I started law school at night, had another child, and then resumed going to law school. It was a busy time of life, and unfortunately, my relationship with my husband deteriorated steadily. I realized that my marriage wasn’t going to last. I was angry, sad, worried and miserable. But I didn’t know what to do, or where to turn. So, like many people in similar situations, I just stayed in the marriage.

The days turned into months, and months into years. I wasn’t living any kind of life, and I knew I didn’t want to remain miserable forever. I also knew that my young children deserved and needed to see their mother happy. Thinking there was no alternative, I did what most people do when they want a divorce: I hired a litigator. Of course it didn’t take long for litigation to take on an ugly life of its own. Our conflicts escalated. Costs quickly mounted. Communication between us shut down. The process dragged on, seemingly with no end in sight. There were costs in ALL directions…. Nothing I ever wanted!

I knew there was a better way for everyone.

While all of this was going on, I recognized that, like myself, other people—men, women, and their children—were suffering needlessly. I realized that there had to be a way to divorce. That’s when I began my extensive training in Divorce Mediation, in Collaborative Divorce and then a little later, in Elder and Adult Decision Mediation.

And Now…

The Creation of this Unique Mediation and Law Boutique.

I’ve been working as a Divorce Mediator, Elder and Adult Decision Mediator and Collaborative Attorney for more than 20 years. I absolutely love my work. Having gone through the worst of it, I specifically created my unique office, with its warm living-room setting, snack (gluten free and dairy free options) and Nespresso, and along with very personalized attention to each client. Here, I enjoy being able to give couples and families a way to change the dynamic of their relationships, even if this it seems an impossibility at the time. I help my clients communicate in a more positive way in order to transition from angry and dysfunctional, and sometimes darn right nasty husbands and/or wives, or estranged siblings, to cooperative mothers and fathers, or friendly siblings. I cannot emphasize how important this is for the health of the children, or the well-being of their aging parent. Due to my many years of experience and training, I am able to help couples and families who have very complex finances, or complex emotional circumstances.

I am neutral in the process, so I am able to provide all parties with a voice, in a safe and confidential setting in an environment where everyone’s voice is heard equally. I work with families regarding any issues in conflict, and discussions are held with each party separately and together. The result is everyone having an understanding of each other and the situation which leads to the creation of an articulated vision of the future and lasting agreements to resolve the dispute.

No matter what’s going on in your life right now, I want to encourage you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I remember what it was like to be unhappily married, angry, frightened, and sad. Thanks in part to that experience, I’ve been able to help other people get through their toughest times for more than 20 years, and I can help you do the same.

Case study 1: Carole and Jack

Jack had been having an affair. Carole found out. As far as she was concerned, their marriage was over.

Neither of them wanted to talk about it. Actually, I still don’t know the nature of the affair or its length. But I did need to know the overall dynamics of the situation, to understand what was in their heads, since they’d stopped communicating with each other.

The couple weren’t speaking

The fact that he’d had an affair slipped out of Carole’s mouth. Then she clammed up. Resentment and anger were filling the room, but they didn’t want to talk about it. In cases like this, I sometimes find it’s essential to talk to them separately. I sometimes just say, “It would help me if I spoke to you individually.”

Clients know they can speak to me separately. Our conversation will be private and confidential, unless they tell me it’s OK to share.

If I can help her get past the anger, or at least put it aside momentarily, and acknowledge what she’s feeling, we’re likely to get to a resolution sooner.

In this case, during the mediation, I said to Carole, “What I hear from the tone of your voice is that you’re very hurt. Is that right? Her acknowledging her emotional anguish was critical. For the first time, the injurer, Jack, didn’t hear, “You bastard, look what you’ve done.” Instead, he realized that he’d caused her a great deal of pain. In such circumstances, it’s not unusual for the injurer to respond—as Jack did—with "I didn’t mean to hurt you. It happened, and I feel terrible about it.”

At last, a breakthrough

I knew we could move forward.

In this case, Carole and Jack had two kids under the age of 10. So we addressed the parenting plan first. Once we figured out access to the children, then we went to the financial stuff. It turns out that Jack had a substantial pension. He hadn’t realized that because it was earned during the marriage, it was considered a marital asset. The pension was so important to him that we worked out a solution in which Carole kept the house and received a lump sum of money. He kept his pension.

No court would have created such a solution. Courts are not designed to be creative. They make decisions that have little to do with your life. Unlike how they would have felt at the end of a court process, at the end of the mediation process, this couple was pleased with their Agreement.

Case study 2: Susan and Donald

Susan and Donald had been working in the same business, but she was getting tired of it. Susan started taking courses so she could begin another independent business. Once she started to disassociate herself from the business somewhat, Donald told her not to come in any more.

Their marriage deteriorated quickly. When it became obvious that they were splitting up, Susan told Donald that she wanted half of the business “My blood, sweat and tears are in that business,” she told him. “The only reason I didn’t come in was because you told me not to."

In addition to half of the business, Susan wanted the house. Donald said that she had a rich grandmother in whose house she could live, plus a trust account. He maintained that he had nowhere to go.

A shared bond: their own and each others' kids

Both Susan and Donald had children from previous marriages.

The kids really liked each other. So I had them focus on the fact that they didn’t want to hurt the children. They’d been living together for 15 years, and each child regarded the other as a parent. Both acknowledged that they had, indeed, been good parents to each other’s kids. So we definitely had some positive feelings to build on.

Since the kids were now teenagers, we didn’t try to arrange a formal parenting plan. In fact, there are no legal rights or obligations to see an ex-spouse’s previous children—even though her kids called him “Dad,” and his kids called her “Mom”.

I helped them understand that it was important for the kids to retain relationships with both of them, and not to be cut off, even though there was no legal obligation to do so. In fact, Donald had been paying for Susan’s college-aged child’s college expenses.

Financial security concerns

For this particular family, there were bonds that still existed. So parenting issues were the first subjects that we addressed. She was hesitant to get divorced because of the financial implications. I explained in private and joint meetings that there was common ground on which to begin building a settlement.

Eventually, they negotiated an arrangement in which he continued to pay for her daughter’s tuition and college expenses. She, in turn, agreed to take less of the business than she had originally asked for.

There’s no way a court would have enforced his paying for the tuition. The settlement truly was one borne of negotiation and compromise. It worked out well for them.

Case study 3: Maria and Ed

This is the type of case I see fairly often: A woman walks in. She’s tired of doing everything. She has spent her life working, and also taking care of the kids. Often one child is in college, and the woman wants a life of her own, now.

The woman in cases like this is often strong, and in some cases, earns more money than her husband. Also it’s common for her husband to resist the divorce. In fact, he will only agree to a divorce if he makes sure he is financially secure. However, his sense of pride makes him unable to explain why he doesn’t want the divorce. In this case, Ed was embarrassed and depressed.

Hidden fears

I said to Ed, “I’m hearing that you don’t want the divorce, but I don’t have a sense of why. I see anger. I see body language indicating that you’re fearful. But I don’t understand what it is. Can you please help me understand?”

That’s when Ed mentioned finances. Maria immediately said, "I’m not trying to hurt you." Maria’s parents had given her money. She said, “My parents really liked you, Ed. They would have wanted you to have some of it.”

In Maria’s mind, she was paying her way out of her marriage. To her, this was a business decision and a logical one. She figured that the amount of money she would end up giving him was less than one third of what they would have blown on attorneys. She knew that if they went to court, there would be escalating conflict. And the divorce would take a far longer period of time. Maria decided to buy her freedom and keep the marital assets intact—for them, rather than give the money to attorneys.

In 4 hours, we were done.

Open for Business Online

During COVID-19, we are open and resolving your conflicts via Zoom and in person.
Looking forward to hearing from you!

(516) 314-6116 | Sastow@NYMediate.com ​​​​​​​

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