Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Divorce are cooperative, sensible and dignified ways to resolve disputes and avoid very costly and unnecessary litigation. Protect the dignity and finances of your family and place the needs of your children first.
Answers to common questions
How can we enter into divorce mediation or collaborative divorce if we’re not even speaking?
That’s probably the first question I hear most often. “Mediation or the collaborative process wouldn’t work for us. We don’t speak!”
The reality is, couples are getting divorced because they aren’t getting along. It’s the rare couple that comes in when at least one of them isn’t angry or resentful. The reason to undertake mediation or collaborative divorce is simple: There’s no gain for either of them to go into litigation no matter what their economic situation is, whether they are a high net worth couple or otherwise.
What do I do if my spouse doesn’t want to enter either mediation or collaborative divorce?
Sometimes, we find that one of the spouses may be suspicious of the mediation or the collaborative process. Some of the reasons I often hear are:
“We aren’t (or are barely) speaking now, so we will never be able to compromise.”
“I am afraid I will be too scared to speak my mind or say what I want.”
“I want an attorney to protect me and I can’t have that during mediation.”
Put simply, an experienced and well-trained, skilled mediator will ensure that both parties have equal voice. I have multiple ways to ensure that both parties are heard, respected and given space to think and have an equal voice at my mediations. I am particularly sensitive to this based on my own personal experiences. I will also be able to facilitate communication, despite the parties’ current lack of communication and resentment towards one another. Lastly, each party is able to have an attorney with whom to consult, or to even join them at the mediation. Important to note as well is that mediation and collaborative divorce are both completely voluntary. And at any point, either spouse can decide not to continue.
Can I have an attorney present during mediation?
In mediation, attorneys are always welcome to attend our sessions. In fact, we can provide the names of attorneys specifically trained in mediation, and they usually serve as outside consultants. We encourage each spouse to have an attorney review the agreement.
If we already started litigation, can we stop and try mediation?
Yes. Even if you’ve already retained separate attorneys, you can ask the court for an extension of time to try to reach a settlement. Then, if you and your spouse wish to pursue mediation, you can each have your attorneys review any agreement that you reach, to make sure your individual legal rights have been protected.
How long does mediation take?
Typically, with the help of a mediator to guide communication and keep the couple focused on the goals they wish to achieve, a couple can reach a legally binding Agreement in about 3 to 8 sessions, depending on the complexity of the issues and how well the couple interact.
In contrast, litigation often goes on for years due to the court procedures, the availability of attorneys, financial experts, and other factors that can cause delays.
How long does the collaborative divorce process take?
The two collaborative attorneys will protect their clients while simultaneously guiding the couple’s communication to be positive and focused on the goals they wish to achieve. A couple can reach a legally binding agreement in as little as about 4 to 10 sessions, depending on the complexity of the issues and most importantly, how well trained and experienced the attorneys are in collaborative divorce. If only one of you have the appropriate collaborative attorney and the other has an attorney who “proclaims” to be collaborative, but does not have the appropriate training or experience, then the case goes on far longer and is more difficult. As a result, I hand out a list of true collaborative attorneys to the spouse who contacts me in order to give it to the other spouse to choose from.
What is the cost of mediation? Of collaborative divorce? Of litigation?
The cost of mediation and collaborative divorce depends on two factors: 1) the amount of time needed to come to an agreement, and 2) the complexity of the issues that need to be settled.
Keeping those factors in mind:
- The total cost of mediation for both spouses together, can be as low as $3,500. (That’s often less than the initial retainers paid by the couple when they begin the litigation process.)
- The cost of the collaborative process for both spouses together, can be as low as $14,000. (That is often spent just at the start of the litigation process!)
- The cost of litigation can easily run into the $100,000s for each spouse, and frequently, much more. That’s money that would be better spent on college tuition, household expenses, or almost anything else.
What will we decide if we do Mediation or Collaborative Divorce?
You and your spouse can reach agreements on every and any issue involved in your lives (unlike litigation where the scope is narrow). While each couple’s situation may be slightly different, the issues they address tend to be similar.
Here are the subjects most couples work out in mediation:
- Custody
- Parenting time schedule—e.g., when, where, how, and how much time each parent will spend with your child(ren)
- Child support
- Spousal maintenance, (alimony) if any
- Distribution of assets
- Any other issue that needs addressing
Where does mediation take place and what is it like?
Either in-person or online. I have offices in Plainview, Garden City and NYC, and I am very accustomed to working successfully online. My goal is for all people involved to feel comfortable. So, my principal office is more like a small living room or den. I have a velvet loveseat and several soft chairs, plus a cocktail table in the middle. I make it a point to keep candy, pretzels or other snacks—as well as water, coffee, and tea—available at all times. There’s also a table and chairs available for signing documents. If you want to sit separately, we can do that as well, whether it is in-person or online.
We try to be flexible, to serve everyone’s needs. During Superstorm Sandy, for example, my office had no light or heat. However, one couple still decided to come in. They brought flashlights. We set up candles on all of the tables and had a very successful mediation session. During the same storm, we also conducted a mediation session in another couple’s living room. We all wore our coats and were covered with blankets.
As a result of COVID19, all our mediations are done online and clients have actually interrupted the mediation process just to tell me just how comfortable they feel, with the buffer between them and their spouse, and that they would choose to continue in this fashion even if offered the choice to meet in-person again.
What will we need to bring?
Full financial disclosure is required during mediation, as it is in any type of divorce proceeding.
To start, you’ll need to bring copies of all personal, corporate, and other income tax returns and related forms for the past 3 years.
In addition, you’ll both need to provide details about:
- Gross annual income from all sources since you last filed a tax return
- Appraised value of any businesses
- Checking and savings accounts
- Monthly expenses
- Assets and liabilities, such as personal, business, and home equity loans
- Net worth
- Insurance
- Real estate owned and valued
- Vehicles, boats, planes, and other assets
- Personal and home assets, including appraised value of art and other collectibles
- Credit card debt
- Unpaid taxes and liens
- General debts payable
- Stocks, bonds, and retirement funds in IRAs, Roth IRAs, annuities, etc.
How will child custody and visitation be determined?
In mediation and collaborative practice, we tend to use the term “parenting arrangements” instead of “custody” and “visitation,” which tend to make the kids seem like possessions, or pawns in a nasty game of chess.
Mediation creates the opportunity of allowing the parents to arrange the time each spends with children: In mediation, parents are able to work to create a parenting arrangement that is responsive to each parent’s work demands as well as the specific needs and activities of each child. Often in mediation, as a result of the good will generated by the process, parents can even opt not to set a strict schedule and instead, agree to compare their schedules on a weekly basis so as to best decide which parent will pick the children up after school, or who will drive them to lessons or sporting activity and who will provide dinner and who will help them with homework. It can also be a set schedule as well. It’s up to the parents to decide. And that is the beauty of Mediation!
Is mediation or collaborative practice appropriate for marriages with same sex couples?
Mediation and collaborative practice are excellent, if not necessary vehicles to help the same sex couple divorce and move on with dignity. Make sure to choose an experienced mediator who understands the nuances and complications that can be inherent in same sex marriages. I recently wrote an article on Preconception Agreements for same sex couples.
Learn More about Preconception Agreements for Same Sex Couples.
Will I have to go to Court?
No, you will not have to go to court. Since I am an attorney and mediator, with experience in Matrimonial and Family Law, I will take care of the drafting of both the Divorce Settlement Agreement as well as the Divorce documents and will file them on your behalf.
Who will draft the Agreement?
As I am an attorney and mediator with experience in Family and Matrimonial Law, I will take care of the drafting of both the Divorce Settlement Agreement as well as the Divorce documents and will file them on your behalf.
Can I just be Legally Separated?
Yes. You can be legally Separated and not go for the divorce, until such time as you decide you want to, or may never want to. As long as you both decide to stay married, you do not have to divorce.
Will you help to divide our assets?
Yes. I will help you go through all your assets and help you to divide them equitably.
Is the Agreement we reach legally binding?
Absolutely. Once the Agreement has been signed by both individuals, and I have duly notarized and acknowledged your signatures, it is legally binding.
Even better, research has shown that when both parties have participated in reaching a mediated agreement, they’re much more likely to adhere to the terms of that agreed upon settlement.
And the benefits continue. When both parties believe their needs have been fairly addressed, they tend to communicate better and have a much better relationship in the future. Both ex-spouses realize that they were able to come to an agreement in the worst of times. So, as life changes occur, they may be better able to adapt to new situations and compromise as needed.
For example, some couples have come back to me years later for help resolving issues that hadn’t originally been anticipated. One of the parents may be moving or remarrying. Therefore, the entire issue of parenting time may need to be addressed again. Since their initial mediation was successful, we’re often able to negotiate changes quickly, easily, and with little or no conflict. If they had litigated, guess where they often find themselves? Sadly, back in Court!
How can we enter into divorce mediation or collaborative divorce if we’re not even speaking?
That’s probably the first question I hear most often. “Mediation or the collaborative process wouldn’t work for us. We don’t speak!”
The reality is, couples are getting divorced because they aren’t getting along. It’s the rare couple that comes in when at least one of them isn’t angry or resentful. The reason to undertake mediation or collaborative divorce is simple: There’s no gain for either of them to go into litigation no matter what their economic situation is, whether they are a high net worth couple or otherwise.
What do I do if my spouse doesn’t want to enter either mediation or collaborative divorce?
Sometimes, we find that one of the spouses may be suspicious of the mediation or the collaborative process. Some of the reasons I often hear are:
“We aren’t (or are barely) speaking now, so we will never be able to compromise.”
“I am afraid I will be too scared to speak my mind or say what I want.”
“I want an attorney to protect me and I can’t have that during mediation.”
Put simply, an experienced and well-trained, skilled mediator will ensure that both parties have equal voice. I have multiple ways to ensure that both parties are heard, respected and given space to think and have an equal voice at my mediations. I am particularly sensitive to this based on my own personal experiences. I will also be able to facilitate communication, despite the parties’ current lack of communication and resentment towards one another. Lastly, each party is able to have an attorney with whom to consult, or to even join them at the mediation. Important to note as well is that mediation and collaborative divorce are both completely voluntary. And at any point, either spouse can decide not to continue.
Can I have an attorney present during mediation?
In mediation, attorneys are always welcome to attend our sessions. In fact, we can provide the names of attorneys specifically trained in mediation, and they usually serve as outside consultants. We encourage each spouse to have an attorney review the agreement.
If we already started litigation, can we stop and try mediation?
Yes. Even if you’ve already retained separate attorneys, you can ask the court for an extension of time to try to reach a settlement. Then, if you and your spouse wish to pursue mediation, you can each have your attorneys review any agreement that you reach, to make sure your individual legal rights have been protected.
How long does mediation take?
Typically, with the help of a mediator to guide communication and keep the couple focused on the goals they wish to achieve, a couple can reach a legally binding Agreement in about 3 to 8 sessions, depending on the complexity of the issues and how well the couple interact.
In contrast, litigation often goes on for years due to the court procedures, the availability of attorneys, financial experts, and other factors that can cause delays.
How long does the collaborative divorce process take?
The two collaborative attorneys will protect their clients while simultaneously guiding the couple’s communication to be positive and focused on the goals they wish to achieve. A couple can reach a legally binding agreement in as little as about 4 to 10 sessions, depending on the complexity of the issues and most importantly, how well trained and experienced the attorneys are in collaborative divorce. If only one of you have the appropriate collaborative attorney and the other has an attorney who “proclaims” to be collaborative, but does not have the appropriate training or experience, then the case goes on far longer and is more difficult. As a result, I hand out a list of true collaborative attorneys to the spouse who contacts me in order to give it to the other spouse to choose from.
What is the cost of mediation? Of collaborative divorce? Of litigation?
The cost of mediation and collaborative divorce depends on two factors: 1) the amount of time needed to come to an agreement, and 2) the complexity of the issues that need to be settled.
Keeping those factors in mind:
- The total cost of mediation for both spouses together, can be as low as $3,500. (That’s often less than the initial retainers paid by the couple when they begin the litigation process.)
- The cost of the collaborative process for both spouses together, can be as low as $14,000. (That is often spent just at the start of the litigation process!)
- The cost of litigation can easily run into the $100,000s for each spouse, and frequently, much more. That’s money that would be better spent on college tuition, household expenses, or almost anything else.
What will we decide if we do Mediation or Collaborative Divorce?
You and your spouse can reach agreements on every and any issue involved in your lives (unlike litigation where the scope is narrow). While each couple’s situation may be slightly different, the issues they address tend to be similar.
Here are the subjects most couples work out in mediation:
- Custody
- Parenting time schedule—e.g., when, where, how, and how much time each parent will spend with your child(ren)
- Child support
- Spousal maintenance, (alimony) if any
- Distribution of assets
- Any other issue that needs addressing
Where does mediation take place and what is it like?
Either in-person or online. I have offices in Plainview, Garden City and NYC, and I am very accustomed to working successfully online. My goal is for all people involved to feel comfortable. So, my principal office is more like a small living room or den. I have a velvet loveseat and several soft chairs, plus a cocktail table in the middle. I make it a point to keep candy, pretzels or other snacks—as well as water, coffee, and tea—available at all times. There’s also a table and chairs available for signing documents. If you want to sit separately, we can do that as well, whether it is in-person or online.
We try to be flexible, to serve everyone’s needs. During Superstorm Sandy, for example, my office had no light or heat. However, one couple still decided to come in. They brought flashlights. We set up candles on all of the tables and had a very successful mediation session. During the same storm, we also conducted a mediation session in another couple’s living room. We all wore our coats and were covered with blankets.
As a result of COVID19, all our mediations are done online and clients have actually interrupted the mediation process just to tell me just how comfortable they feel, with the buffer between them and their spouse, and that they would choose to continue in this fashion even if offered the choice to meet in-person again.
What will we need to bring?
Full financial disclosure is required during mediation, as it is in any type of divorce proceeding.
To start, you’ll need to bring copies of all personal, corporate, and other income tax returns and related forms for the past 3 years.
In addition, you’ll both need to provide details about:
- Gross annual income from all sources since you last filed a tax return
- Appraised value of any businesses
- Checking and savings accounts
- Monthly expenses
- Assets and liabilities, such as personal, business, and home equity loans
- Net worth
- Insurance
- Real estate owned and valued
- Vehicles, boats, planes, and other assets
- Personal and home assets, including appraised value of art and other collectibles
- Credit card debt
- Unpaid taxes and liens
- General debts payable
- Stocks, bonds, and retirement funds in IRAs, Roth IRAs, annuities, etc.
How will child custody and visitation be determined?
In mediation and collaborative practice, we tend to use the term “parenting arrangements” instead of “custody” and “visitation,” which tend to make the kids seem like possessions, or pawns in a nasty game of chess.
Mediation creates the opportunity of allowing the parents to arrange the time each spends with children: In mediation, parents are able to work to create a parenting arrangement that is responsive to each parent’s work demands as well as the specific needs and activities of each child. Often in mediation, as a result of the good will generated by the process, parents can even opt not to set a strict schedule and instead, agree to compare their schedules on a weekly basis so as to best decide which parent will pick the children up after school, or who will drive them to lessons or sporting activity and who will provide dinner and who will help them with homework. It can also be a set schedule as well. It’s up to the parents to decide. And that is the beauty of Mediation!
Is mediation or collaborative practice appropriate for marriages with same sex couples?
Mediation and collaborative practice are excellent, if not necessary vehicles to help the same sex couple divorce and move on with dignity. Make sure to choose an experienced mediator who understands the nuances and complications that can be inherent in same sex marriages. I recently wrote an article on Preconception Agreements for same sex couples.
Learn More about Preconception Agreements for Same Sex Couples.
Will I have to go to Court?
No, you will not have to go to court. Since I am an attorney and mediator, with experience in Matrimonial and Family Law, I will take care of the drafting of both the Divorce Settlement Agreement as well as the Divorce documents and will file them on your behalf.
Who will draft the Agreement?
As I am an attorney and mediator with experience in Family and Matrimonial Law, I will take care of the drafting of both the Divorce Settlement Agreement as well as the Divorce documents and will file them on your behalf.
Can I just be Legally Separated?
Yes. You can be legally Separated and not go for the divorce, until such time as you decide you want to, or may never want to. As long as you both decide to stay married, you do not have to divorce.
Will you help to divide our assets?
Yes. I will help you go through all your assets and help you to divide them equitably.
Is the Agreement we reach legally binding?
Absolutely. Once the Agreement has been signed by both individuals, and I have duly notarized and acknowledged your signatures, it is legally binding.
Even better, research has shown that when both parties have participated in reaching a mediated agreement, they’re much more likely to adhere to the terms of that agreed upon settlement.
And the benefits continue. When both parties believe their needs have been fairly addressed, they tend to communicate better and have a much better relationship in the future. Both ex-spouses realize that they were able to come to an agreement in the worst of times. So, as life changes occur, they may be better able to adapt to new situations and compromise as needed.
For example, some couples have come back to me years later for help resolving issues that hadn’t originally been anticipated. One of the parents may be moving or remarrying. Therefore, the entire issue of parenting time may need to be addressed again. Since their initial mediation was successful, we’re often able to negotiate changes quickly, easily, and with little or no conflict. If they had litigated, guess where they often find themselves? Sadly, back in Court!
