Sastow Law & Mediation

Experienced Online Mediation Services

Elder Care & Family Mediation

Assuring your parent’s comfort and sustaining sibling relationships.

What is Elder Care and Family Mediation?

When responsible parties are unable to effectively reconcile their differences regarding a sick or elderly loved one, elder care dispute mediation is a non-adversarial smooth and effective means to comprehensively coordinate care plans and living arrangements on their behalf. With elder care dispute mediation, the concerned parties meet with me as their impartial mediator, trained and experienced in coordinating such arrangements. I will pay close attention to the needs, concerns and perspectives of all sides and give you guidance to come to agreement amicably. This process helps to ensure that all parties involved, including the loved one, are all treated fairly and with respect and dignity.

Elder care mediation is ideal in situations where responsible parties may disagree or find it difficult to constructively engage in difficult conversations regarding the handling of their loved-one’s affairs, living arrangements, or health care, etc. When your goal is to resolve your elder care/family conflict peacefully and positively and with dignity, and not waste money and time, Elder Care Decisions and Family Mediation is the way to go.

What if we’re not even speaking?

That’s the question I hear most often. “How can mediation work? We don’t speak!”

But that’s just the very reason to come to mediation. The reality is that siblings are in conflict because they aren’t getting along. They are suspicious of each other and there have been issues usually since childhood that have reared their ugly heads now that they need to care for their aging parent. If they were speaking, they wouldn’t need me. The families who I help start off as angry, resentful and very emotional. Seeking a Guardianship appointed by the Court will not resolve the conflicts and will certainly use up your parent’s assets and leave less to benefit the siblings.

The reason to undertake mediation is simple: There’s no gain for anyone to go into litigation no matter how much money is at stake or what the issues are. In fact, the more money there is at stake, the more money will be wasted in court. Mediation is perfect for aging parents with large estates.

Common issues during elder mediation

  • Would mom or dad be better off staying at home or moving into a nursing home or assisted living facility?
  • How do we resolve the fighting between the siblings over parent’s money?
  • Who should be the health care proxy?
  • Who should be the representative with the caregivers or physicians?
  • How should we divvy up the responsibilities so that not everything falls on the one sibling?

Whatever the case may be, Elder Care and Family Dispute Mediation is a unique and invaluable resolution tool that has been proven highly effective in resolving such disputes, with results that all parties can be satisfied with.

Key benefits of elder care dispute mediation

  • Prevent escalation of emotions
  • Save tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees
  • Save enormous amounts of time
  • Get the best help for your aging parent
  • Hire ONE professional, rather than multiple adversarial, litigious and expensive attorneys
  • Avoid the nightmare and headaches of going to trial
  • Avoid litigation
  • Avoid the tug-of-war with your beloved parent caught in the crossfire
  • Avoid the in-family fighting and tumult
  • Collaborate to fairly meet everyone’s needs and interests
  • Create a framework to help you work together in the future

Common decision areas for elder care mediation

Personal Care and Healthcare Arrangements

Coordinating medical treatments; payments for treatment; hiring appropriate aids; division of responsibility between the parties.

Living Arrangements

Decisions over whether the loved one is to remain at home, move in with a child, move to a different city, or be moved to an assisted living facility or nursing home, etc.

Coordinating Financials

Coordinating and dividing up and resolving any necessary financial issues between the siblings and responsibilities between responsible parties, for the care and wellbeing of the loved one.

Trusts & Estates, Wills Issues

Planning division and distribution of assets of loved one, resolving family disputes regarding personal property, resolving business disputes, etc.

Responsibility Over Decision-Making

Power of attorney, legal guardianship, caretaker, etc.

End-of-Life Wishes and Decisions

Funeral planning, living wills, coordinating and executing advanced directives, etc.

Transportation for mom or dad and Safety issues

Decisions over loved one’s ability to drive, any medical tests required (e.g. eye-sight examination), how the love one will get around, if they can use public transportation or not, etc.

Elder care and family mediation FAQs

Why should you mediate elder care and adult family disputes?

Family dynamics are complicated and often involve emotions that have been simmering for years, or sometimes since childhood. Being proactive via the use of mediation, families can positively resolve conflicts rather than further tearing the family apart emotionally and financially. During mediation, each family member will have the opportunity to speak privately with me about their own needs, interests and emotions and the needs and emotions of the others involved. This will create rational decision making, rather than knee jerk emotional decision making, and lead to a more positive outcome for all involved.

How is a mediated agreement different from a litigated agreement?

Mediation allows for cooperation and collaboration on each decision made. Each person’s needs and opinions are heard and discussed, and joint decisions are made. Bottom line, rather than a judge mandating a particular outcome, mediated agreements are based on shared decision-making. I will ensure that the agreement process is cooperative and not adversarial.

Mediated agreements also typically resolve a broad range of topics. In contrast, in Guardianship proceedings, the Judge’s order typically only addresses far narrower issues and dictates to the parties what must be done. These court orders do not consider many of the factors, interests and needs that a mediated agreement would, and that can lead to continued family tensions.

How do I know if my case is appropriate for mediation?

As you educate yourself about the benefits of mediation, you will understand just how well suited and beneficial the mediation process is to resolving almost any conflict, including Elder Decision Disputes between family members.

Should I mediate my family dispute?

Are you having issues with your siblings or other adult members of your family regarding issues related to an elder’s financial responsibilities, capacity to make important decisions, or arrangements regarding daily living and assistance needs? Then mediation is very likely the right process for you. Mediation allows everyone involved to create realistic, logical, workable solutions that create the best plan for the elder, while also preserving family relationships.

When do we start the mediation process?

The best scenario would be to start the mediation process prior to starting a Guardianship Proceeding. However, if you have already begun a court proceeding, it is not too late. You can still enter into mediation. Your family will not only save significant money, time and emotional distress, by going the mediation route, but more significantly, your parent will have the most appropriate care plan created. This way your parent can spend the last part of his/her life comfortably and also knowing that her children were worked things out together. What better gift can you give a parent?

What do I do to start the mediation process?

Just contact me at (516) 314-6116 for a free consultation. I will be happy to discuss your circumstances with you and/or other family members to understand the scope of the issues. Then I will contact each individual family member you identify to obtain basic information and for scheduling purposes.

Case study 1: Carole and Jack

Jack had been having an affair. Carole found out. As far as she was concerned, their marriage was over.

Neither of them wanted to talk about it. Actually, I still don’t know the nature of the affair or its length. But I did need to know the overall dynamics of the situation, to understand what was in their heads, since they’d stopped communicating with each other.

The couple weren’t speaking

The fact that he’d had an affair slipped out of Carole’s mouth. Then she clammed up. Resentment and anger were filling the room, but they didn’t want to talk about it. In cases like this, I sometimes find it’s essential to talk to them separately. I sometimes just say, “It would help me if I spoke to you individually.”

Clients know they can speak to me separately. Our conversation will be private and confidential, unless they tell me it’s OK to share.

If I can help her get past the anger, or at least put it aside momentarily, and acknowledge what she’s feeling, we’re likely to get to a resolution sooner.

In this case, during the mediation, I said to Carole, “What I hear from the tone of your voice is that you’re very hurt. Is that right? Her acknowledging her emotional anguish was critical. For the first time, the injurer, Jack, didn’t hear, “You bastard, look what you’ve done.” Instead, he realized that he’d caused her a great deal of pain. In such circumstances, it’s not unusual for the injurer to respond—as Jack did—with "I didn’t mean to hurt you. It happened, and I feel terrible about it.”

At last, a breakthrough

I knew we could move forward.

In this case, Carole and Jack had two kids under the age of 10. So we addressed the parenting plan first. Once we figured out access to the children, then we went to the financial stuff. It turns out that Jack had a substantial pension. He hadn’t realized that because it was earned during the marriage, it was considered a marital asset. The pension was so important to him that we worked out a solution in which Carole kept the house and received a lump sum of money. He kept his pension.

No court would have created such a solution. Courts are not designed to be creative. They make decisions that have little to do with your life. Unlike how they would have felt at the end of a court process, at the end of the mediation process, this couple was pleased with their Agreement.

Case study 2: Susan and Donald

Susan and Donald had been working in the same business, but she was getting tired of it. Susan started taking courses so she could begin another independent business. Once she started to disassociate herself from the business somewhat, Donald told her not to come in any more.

Their marriage deteriorated quickly. When it became obvious that they were splitting up, Susan told Donald that she wanted half of the business “My blood, sweat and tears are in that business,” she told him. “The only reason I didn’t come in was because you told me not to."

In addition to half of the business, Susan wanted the house. Donald said that she had a rich grandmother in whose house she could live, plus a trust account. He maintained that he had nowhere to go.

A shared bond: their own and each others' kids

Both Susan and Donald had children from previous marriages.

The kids really liked each other. So I had them focus on the fact that they didn’t want to hurt the children. They’d been living together for 15 years, and each child regarded the other as a parent. Both acknowledged that they had, indeed, been good parents to each other’s kids. So we definitely had some positive feelings to build on.

Since the kids were now teenagers, we didn’t try to arrange a formal parenting plan. In fact, there are no legal rights or obligations to see an ex-spouse’s previous children—even though her kids called him “Dad,” and his kids called her “Mom”.

I helped them understand that it was important for the kids to retain relationships with both of them, and not to be cut off, even though there was no legal obligation to do so. In fact, Donald had been paying for Susan’s college-aged child’s college expenses.

Financial security concerns

For this particular family, there were bonds that still existed. So parenting issues were the first subjects that we addressed. She was hesitant to get divorced because of the financial implications. I explained in private and joint meetings that there was common ground on which to begin building a settlement.

Eventually, they negotiated an arrangement in which he continued to pay for her daughter’s tuition and college expenses. She, in turn, agreed to take less of the business than she had originally asked for.

There’s no way a court would have enforced his paying for the tuition. The settlement truly was one borne of negotiation and compromise. It worked out well for them.

Case study 3: Maria and Ed

This is the type of case I see fairly often: A woman walks in. She’s tired of doing everything. She has spent her life working, and also taking care of the kids. Often one child is in college, and the woman wants a life of her own, now.

The woman in cases like this is often strong, and in some cases, earns more money than her husband. Also it’s common for her husband to resist the divorce. In fact, he will only agree to a divorce if he makes sure he is financially secure. However, his sense of pride makes him unable to explain why he doesn’t want the divorce. In this case, Ed was embarrassed and depressed.

Hidden fears

I said to Ed, “I’m hearing that you don’t want the divorce, but I don’t have a sense of why. I see anger. I see body language indicating that you’re fearful. But I don’t understand what it is. Can you please help me understand?”

That’s when Ed mentioned finances. Maria immediately said, "I’m not trying to hurt you." Maria’s parents had given her money. She said, “My parents really liked you, Ed. They would have wanted you to have some of it.”

In Maria’s mind, she was paying her way out of her marriage. To her, this was a business decision and a logical one. She figured that the amount of money she would end up giving him was less than one third of what they would have blown on attorneys. She knew that if they went to court, there would be escalating conflict. And the divorce would take a far longer period of time. Maria decided to buy her freedom and keep the marital assets intact—for them, rather than give the money to attorneys.

In 4 hours, we were done.

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During COVID-19, we are open and resolving your conflicts via Zoom and in person.
Looking forward to hearing from you!

(516) 314-6116 | Sastow@NYMediate.com ​​​​​​​

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